Categories
Change Psychology Racism

COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter

via MEME

As you can imagine, things have been a bit busy at Seattle Direct Counseling. As of June 1 2006 at its inception, Seattle Direct Counseling has been owned, operated, and maintained by myself, identifying with the BIPOC community, and it should be no surprise that the majority of people who seek help and healing here do so, in part, because of that identity.

At this historic time in 2020,  King County, Washington’s most densely populated area, moved to Phase 1 Modified in regard to the Safe Start reopening guidelines issued by Governor Inslee on June 1 2020 in response to a global coronavirus pandemic, more businesses, personal services, outdoor recreation with up to five people not of the same household, construction, household helpers, and other activities have seen new changes. Update: King County has met criteria to be moved to Phase 2 as of June 18 2020, which opens more businesses, including day and overnight camping in state parks and campgrounds.

This means more people are out and about. And the coronavirus has not gone away. 

With a recent series of even more needless and cruel deaths of George Floyd and Breanna Taylor, as well as a white woman calling police while using her power to threaten a black man, the nation, the world, and locally in Seattle, protests have continued on a daily basis, calling for accountability, the end of police brutality, justice for those who have died at the hands of others who have used excessive force, and a wake-up call for all peoples to come together to end systemic bias and racial discrimination in all its subtle and gross forms.

This means more people are out and about, shoulder to shoulder, shouting and crying for change. 

Because of the pandemic, unemployment rates rose to 14.7 percent in April 2020, with a small decrease in May 2020 to 13.3 percent. Yet, demographic data shows that unemployment hit black people harder.

This means more people have less means to take care of their physical needs for shelter, medicine, food, clothing, mental health activities, childcare, and other essentials. The pandemic has hit the black and brown communities disproportionately harder, and this is something that I have witnessed with my own eyes. I have volunteered hours as a nurse in COVID-19 testing sites, private and community based, as well as conducted nursing rounds treating presumptive COVID-19 positive and COVID-19 symptomatic people in quarantine.

Truly,  the convergence of two pandemics — COVID-19 and Racism, are showing their devastating effects. What can we do from here?

“No One’s Coming to Save Us” 

One of the most startling truths I have read since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic was the statement, “No One’s Coming to Save Us.” I had seen this as a quote applied to taking responsibility for one’s life, and then I saw it again as applied to the coronavirus’ effect on densely populated cities around the world. It cruelly has applied to the lives of black people in America, who have watched the effects of systemic racism as well as overt violence take one life after another, and kick too many people down into a cycle of depression, poverty, addiction, and hopelessness.

Healthcare workers caught in wave after wave of sick and dying people grew exhausted, yet plugged on. No one was coming to save them. In the U.S., governors were told that they were on their own in getting masks, gowns, gloves, face shields, and respirators. Public Health officials scrambled to get test swabs, transport media with a way to seal it once the test has been conducted, and mobile testing sites with medical personnel. If they didn’t have the means, no one was coming to save them. 

When black writers and activists took to the Internets with videos, posts, photos, and calls for peaceful protests, they too made it clear that no one was coming to them. It is we who protest, and we keep protesting until people hear our demands for justice and change, because no one is coming to save us. The outpouring of support has been breathtaking. And the story is not over.

When you realize nothing will change and no one else is going to save you, you step up and do what you can. Every single person has a role to play towards creating change in both of these pandemics. You simply offer what you have, whether that is time, money, energy, a skill, a voice, a conversation, or a power that you have to share (influence, credibility, connections, knowledge).

What Can You Do?

First, we can acknowledge that this truth: no one is coming to save us. It is not a bleak statement devoid of hope; it is an awakening point to help us understand that each of us has within us the power to assess what is within our abilities to act on what we see and what is needed.

Second, we can acknowledge our own shortcomings, what we lack, and where we can improve. Own your own denials. Own your past lack of compassion. Acknowledge when and where and why and how you’ve failed to act upon what you know, when you’ve participated in actions that have hurt and grieved another person or community. Make a plan to alter your course.

Regarding COVID-19:  I encourage each and every person to take responsibility for themselves. Become a mini public health expert on such topics as personal hygiene and handwashing, disinfecting of commonly touched areas, wearing a mask while in public and taking care of a COVID-19 positive person, preparing for isolation and quarantining oneself and any household members for a full fourteen days if you become sick,  recognizing the signs of illness, getting your annual flu shot (and pneumonia vaccine if recommended), and getting tested for COVID-19 if you show symptoms, and if asymptomatic after an exposure with someone who has tested COVID-19 positive, get tested and isolate while waiting for results.

Be compassionate. Even if COVID-19 cases are slowing down in your locale, remember that it is raging in areas of the world like India, and Latin America, and other countries are still bracing for impact.

As of this writing, I am still receiving reports of people dying of complications from COVID-19, or struggling with the long-term effects during recovery (lung damage, organ damage, disabling fatigue, etc).

For some of you who have underlying co-morbidities and health conditions that warrant more vigilance, you will want to continue your life as much as possible as if you are in a long-term quarantine. Just because other parts of the country or your local region are progressing to Phase 1, Phase 2, or Phase 3 reopening does not mean that the coronavirus is gone. Case in point: over the weekend, King County has the largest increase in COVID-19 positive cases since the highest point in April 2020.

In summary, it’s to be expected that there will be more positive cases. This is, in part, because we have more testing available, so people who wouldn’t otherwise have known for sure if they were COVID-19 positive have access to testing. Yet, it was expected that with reopening our area, there would be an increase in these numbers, because the coronavirus does not magically go away. If those numbers increase too quickly in any area, city officials will step back down into an earlier phase or quarantine, to prevent an outbreak. And this would be difficult to do, as you can imagine.

Regarding Racism and Black Lives Matter: I encourage you to use what you have and take a role in helping to change the outcome of this pandemic that has raged in America nearly 400 years (1619 is one citation for slaves brought to a British colony in Jamestown).

Some of the actions you can take include: starting a conversation about Black Lives Matter, starting a conversation about what non-black people need to understand about power and privilege in relationship to Black people, supporting a local,  black-owned business or a BIPOC business (stands for Black, Indigenous, Person of Color) , donating to the Black Lives Matter movement,  joining a local protest (please wear a mask, do your best to practice social distancing, and get tested for COVID-19), writing letters to your local mayor, police department, and state government officials, signing petitions for change, learning about what it means to be an ally and not a collaborator in systemic racial bias, taking a course on bystander intervention.

While no one is coming to save us, the truth behind this statement is even more clear. YOU are the the hope you have waited for.

All that is needed is COURAGE.

Categories
Change Counseling Love and Romance Psychology Social Media

On Love v. Admiration

In the movie, My Life As a House, George Monroe is an architect who is let go from his job and discovers he has terminal cancer, of which he withholds his diagnosis from others. After deciding he wants to tear down an old house on a piece of property he has been dreaming about for a rebuild, he tells his ex-wife that he wants to take his son Sam for the summer and build the house with him.

In a powerful scene between father and son, Sam’s repulsed expression of disbelief flies out at his father, “You trying to get me to like you?” George’s response is equally telling, “I was trying to get you to love me.”

The things we do for love. Or, is it love that we’re truly pursuing?

With the rare exception of individuals with personality disorders that manifest in social aloofness, we crave love and connection. Children can create imaginary friends to fill in loneliness, boredom, or fearful emotions. And in the age of the Internet, many of us flock to Social Media to not only see what others are doing, but to curate a world where others might connect with us.

All of this sounds pretty innocuous, maybe even adaptive. Until it isn’t.

I’ve been intrigued by conversation around a fast-growing group of people who are being called out as repeat marathon cheaters. These are people, usually everyday non-elite runners, who engaged in ways to cheat the system in order to gain awards, access to other races, and followers because of their astonishing fast-paced finishes. The numbers of cheaters caught at marathons, half marathons, and triathlons are enough that there are forums and a website dedicated to investigating marathon cheaters and turning them in to the race directors and organizations to determine what, if any, consequences should be rendered. The cheating is so common place enough that Wired magazine recently published a story about the founder of Marathon Investigations and the most perplexing responses and consequences of cheating exposures. 

Ever wonder why they would do it?

I suspect the numbers of marathon cheaters is actually not growing as much as you’d think. Rather, the technology used to catch marathon cheaters has improved in such a way as to punish the cheater in a public way by way of disclosure and the removal of awards, a ban from races, and potentially retroactive removal of finish times if there is a proven history of cheating across multiple races.

In other words, marathon cheaters risk being shamed and despised for their behaviour, if they are caught. And if they aren’t caught, they receive the love and admiration of fans.

Actually, I think these people stumble on another truth. They don’t receive love from their fans. They receive admiration based on achievement. Another way of putting it is that they cull conditional love based on a transaction: I perform, and you compliment me. 

Is It Worth It?

As you might have guessed, this post isn’t about running and marathon cheaters as much as it is about answering a question: is it worth it? And what “it” did you receive?

What “it” are we talking about? 

The subject is Love. Most of us learn about the importance of love when we are children. We see it in the sacrifices our parents and caregivers made in order to provide for our needs, listen to us, take us ball games and movies, and make sure we have opportunities to learn and grow. Love is can be hidden within a voice wishing us goodnight, folded into a homemade cake for a birthday party, and embedded in a hug and a kiss. 

Admiration is a similar feeling as Love, yet with a subtle difference. Admiration involves respect and approval, usually because of something we did to earn that feeling from another. An example of being admired is when a stranger put his/her personal safety in jeopardy in order to save the life of another.  We admire that person for bravery; we don’t love that person (the person is a stranger), as much as we hold in high esteem that person’s choice of action at the risk of personal injury. 

So back to the question, is it worth it. It is my belief that one of the reasons why marathon cheaters continue a pattern of cheating is because they trade Love for Admiration.  Finding and experiencing unconditional, non-transactional Love is rare. What they want is to be loved, but what they seek through cheating is the next best thing: Respect and Admiration for being a high performer. 

If Respect and Admiration means that much to a person, I believe they can  – sometimes do — pursue Admiration at all costs; therefore, it is worth it to them. The ‘likes’ on their Social Media posts, the adoring comments filled with heart emojis and ‘way to go’s, gives the person a lot of validation. It becomes its own kind of pellet food bar, of which a hungry mouse will keep pushing despite the fear of being shocked as long as the memory of getting a pellet of food remains. Rewards light up our brains, even if the reward as an emotional one.

And it works on the negative side of the equation too. Some people will do act outrageously to get attention, even orchestrating daring examples of socially unjust or violent actions. Earning a nickname that inspires fear has become its own kind of admiration in the half light of glowing screens across the globe. 

Can’t Buy Me Love

If Love can’t be bought, can its next best feeling, Admiration, be had by lesser means? In the Age of the Internet and the viral nature of Social Media, the answer could very well be Yes

Let me propose an example. You are a woman, a mom, a wife, and you’ve worked all your life to help your family. You do good things in community, volunteer for charities, do your share of duties in your local PTSA, and help the kids with school. At the end of a long day, you take a glance at your Social Media feeds. What do you see?  The accounts with thousands and millions of followers for women are often in the world of beauty, celebrities in film and music, wellness, politics, and sports figures. Oh, and cat ownership.

While you have changed diapers,  helped the kids get launched to college, supported a spouse through think and thin, perhaps you have not been celebrated and noticed. One of the ways we feel Loved is when we have been seen. And one of the ways many of us have sought to be seen by more people is through Social Media. 

One of the ways we feel Loved is when we have been Seen.

The strange thing is this: even accomplished people, celebrities, and sports figures can fall prey to the this online search for recognition. In those cases, there may be money involved in the form of exclusive sponsorships, and a poor performance could translate into loss of income. There would be incredible pressure to cheat, lie, or embellish a story. I’m not excusing cheating, just providing a possible explanation of why someone who was already accomplished might feel pressured to cheat or lie in his or her industry.

What about the Age Group athlete (a non-elite, non-professional athlete), in running or triathlon? Why would they cheat if there was no other financial reward for an Age Group win?

I suspect that the search for Admiration and Respect are in play. It can feel so good to be called a, “Badass” because you are fast and strong. People are curious about seemingly unreachable feats that require commitment, sacrifice, dedication, and focus. We elevate athletic pursuit to be characteristics of the gods.

Still, you can be the head of a tribe of people – a leader! — if you promote a certain kind of lifestyle that others find challenging — such as being a Vegan* or being Sober**, but in the world of Social Media, being Vegan and being Sober aren’t necessarily enough to win the attention of others. If you’re aware that you hunger to be Admired, you’d better match that Vegan lifestyle with something else, something Hard, something Ideal, something Extraordinary.

Of course, I am pointing out the flaws in this formula for living. Why can’t each person be celebrated for these decisions, just as they are? Why don’t we see them?

On Reading

My point is, that rabbit hole has no end. If you search for a sense of worth by Doing instead of Being, you will be tired. You might get some followers, and you will be exhausted.

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. I personally don’t subscribe to the romantic overtures of expensive dinners and romance packages. You’re more likely to find me continuing to do the little things behind closed doors that lets my loved ones know how much I care. I still make the bed every morning, as much for myself as for my husband, so that the pillows are plumped and inviting, and a fresh pot of brown rice is ready for dinner at the end of the day. It’s mundane, yet it has it’s own Truth.

The love I feel is about having read people. It is not, “love at all costs” based on the accumulation of achievements. It is love based on our ability to see a person and choose to bestow warmth and affection for who they are.

Love is given because we can choose to love someone based on who they “be” in your life, not what they do. If you knew you were loved that way, you would never feel the need to cheat your way to being admired or respected. You would not worry so much what strangers thought about what clothes you wear when you’re on vacation, or what foods you do or don’t eat.

Yet, as I mentioned before, this kind of non-transactional Love is rare. It takes time to cultivated, because not everyone learns it early in life, and there are social forces around us that whisper other truths about what our essential worth is based on: appearance, agility, youth, genius, gender, economics, work performance, possessions.

The false form of love that people seek or fear on the Internet is costly. Yet, if you choose to See, it’s possible to learn how to cultivate Love versus Admiration based on accomplishment.


Note * and **: In case you were wondering, I have nothing personal against either lifestyle choices of Veganism nor Sobriety, and I have seen how some have healed aspects of their physical and mental health with both. I have simply chosen these two examples because of the abundance of writers on the subjects.

Categories
Change Client-centered Therapy coaching Counseling

September 2018 Address from SDC

Fall 2018 Address from SDC | Fall | What’s New

Fall is almost here! Here is my Fall 2018 address to keep you in touch with everything happening at SDC. Photo by Pixabay.

Outside my window, the leaves area already showing the colors of the impending Fall season. Brilliant yellows, screaming vermillion and reds, and toasted browns dapple my neighborhood.

By now, the kids are back to school, work is humming along, and summer vacation memories are washed and stored away. Now what?

Traditionally, I like to use the weeks just before the advent of Fall to do a check in with self, spirit, relationship, and end-of-year goals.

Questions to ask:

  • How are you doing
  • Where are you with Contentment, Satisfaction, and Role
  • How are you contributing to your happiness and the happiness of others around you
  • What progress have you made towards end-of-year goals, and what adjustments do you want to make now to steer closer to them

As I sat on a boulder admiring the view of Lake Moraine in Banff, Canada, I can tell you that I had no such questions in my mind. I was just taking in the view and soaking up every moment outdoors. Yet, in quiet moments in the evening after darkness had fallen, I asked these questions and took a few notes, knowing that I would be thinking about Fall 2018 and what I am bringing back to Seattle Direct Counseling.

Based on conversations from 2017 to present, here is what you can expect from SDC:

  • Professional online counseling services to help meet the needs of busy people and remote-access clients
  • One day per week access to F2F counseling sessions to help local and traveling clients receive personalized care and urgent mental health care when needed
  •  Certified triathlon coaching  (study to begin Sept 2018)
  • Focused writing on food and wellness for those with autoimmune disease and food allergies and intolerances

Fall marks an influx of new clients seeking to address both stubborn, hurtful patterns of thinking and behaving, and recent transitions that have created challenges and barriers across every area of life.

If you are looking to start therapy, or need a coach for detailed how-to’s, Fall is a great time to set counseling or coaching in motion. Please see my hours and Connect Directly page to get the ball rolling for you.