What Will You Do

When you’re at a loss for words, something disruptive happened. Something disruptive DID happen. Something disruptive has been happening for a long time.

We write, “No words,” hashtag it under a photo of something we don’t agree with, despise, find unacceptable, or wish to point out its flaws.

In the first week of Black History Month as well as the first days of the Lunar New Year celebrated by Asian peoples worldwide, my mouth is agape. While I’m not surprised by the examples of racism that has made America’s headlines recently, I find myself wondering right along with the greater community about how I — and we — want to respond.

We’re not just talking about one example in one field, such as Northam and American politics. There’s Ehrenreich’s tweet about Marie Kondo, the Japanese home organization “tidying guru”, and there’s also Rep. Steve King’s long-standing history of proclaiming western white supremacy as a “superior civilization” (he was most recently stripped of his House committee seats). If that wasn’t enough, fashion design house Gucci removed a sweater with a built-in blackface design with red lips, leaving the world wondering how an expensive sweater design could have made it through the design process without someone flagging it with a, “Wait a minute”.

What would you do?

What would you do if you, your child, your colleague at work, your friend at the local coffee shop that you love spending time with, represents one of these people upon whom the nuanced and the not-so-nuanced effects of racism, bias, and discrimination lands?

What happens after the apologies — that is, the “sorry-for-any-offense” version of apologies — are demanded and given? For governing officials, do we also demand that there be any follow up, or even any kind of workplace bias and diversity training similar to what employees are expected to complete?

It was pointed out to me recently that the typical formula for “making nice” after an offense is to accept the apology first, and then to offer forgiveness. However, many people interpret forgiveness as the end of the apology transaction; that is, the act of forgiveness signals that nothing more need be done. It also may represent the offended person’s discomfort and pain, even if it does not represent the person’s experience. If I just forgive, we can all forget about what just happened, and go about our lives.

What would you do?

I don’t have answers for you. I leave it to the scholars, the researchers and the social scientists who are working on recommending real solutions regarding what we do to not only shape public discourse, but to expose the harm of the racial gaze and the socio-economic and gendered bubble. This isn’t an easy way out of the debacle; rather, I’m highlighting how this is so complex. To this date, we fire people, we lay public charges against those who display the most heinous of racist beliefs and actions, and then — in the silence that follows, what do we do, even in our own neighborhoods, to change the minds that seem so unchangeable?

I don’t have answers, yet I have many questions.

What will you do?

I can say that one of the better responses I have come across was found in a Social Media post from a black woman responding to a white friend from high school who asked about what white privilege is, and what effects of institutional bias she had experienced. Her response was published more broadly in Yes magazine. Ms. Hutcherson’s response involves a decision to take time and care to educate, even beyond the transaction between two people, when she didn’t have to, when it’s often tiring to share the same stories, when it seems like no one cares or listens, when the examples of racism are so numerous, there is no possible way to retell them all.

She took the time.

What will you do? 

On Being Alone

Solitary woman running towards a forest with mountains in the background.
Photo credit by Light and Lea, Alberta Canada, August 2018,. Used by permission.

In a time when nearly half of Americans report sometimes feeling alone or left out, it may surprise you to hear that others work hard to spend time alone.

Really?

Yes, really.

According to a Cigna Study in 2018 that used the UCLA Loneliness Scale (a scale on the subject of measuring loneliness, known for its accuracy and statistical significance), 20,000 adults surveyed showed an alarming trend of isolation and feelings of loneliness and lack of meaningful connection that have sparked conversations around such topics as depression, suicide, and the future of communication in a world of advance technological access.

With a high indication of a loneliness epidemic, why are there those who are working hard to be alone? And where are they going?

Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, and Solitude expresses the glory of being alone.

Paul Tillich

As my gal friends were chatting it up on the way to a snowshoe trip, the topic turned to safety. Several of us had been scolded and lectured about not hiking, running, or camping alone, even though there were several among us who had experience doing so during all of the above activities, with the exception of mountain climbing. We packed out “Ten essentials”; we told a friend or spouse where we’d be, and what time we were expected back. We studied weather forecasts, read trip reports, and paid attention to road conditions and closures. We are intelligent, informed women. We do our homework and our due diligence in managing risk.

Even with precautions taken, many of us were still discouraged – and in some cases shamed – by others who did not understand our desire to be alone in nature. Why, wasn’t being alone for loners, oddball hermits, and recluses who did not know how to have close relationships with people? Aren’t we crazy for daring to be alone in a dangerous world? And if you wanted to be alone, couldn’t you just find a quiet corner in a Starbuck’s, put on your Beats headphones and a pair of dark sunglasses, and tune the world out?

Shouldn’t that be enough aloneness?

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.

John Muir

For over ten year, I’ve found a certain strength in seeking to be alone in nature for periods of time: a few hours, a day, or a long weekend. From these experiences, here are just a few personal reasons why being alone on purpose and in nature might be a transformative experience that you might just want to turn into a habit and ritual as a part of your own personal development

Four Reasons for Being Alone in Nature

  • Going out. When you travel to more remote parks, forests, reserves, and trails, you physically leave your home and your city behind. Instead a news, music, TV shows, and work meetings, you hear birds, insects, rivers, and wind rustling through tall grasses or trees. Time is measured by the movement of the sun and the moon, by light and shade, not by the clock. You directly connect your legs, arms, lungs, and mind to the beauty of what nature unrolls before your eyes.

  • Going in. If you give yourself a chance to unplug from the digital world, you don’t just see what is in front of you. You also go inward, attending to your own thoughts that arise when you have no one and nothing else to attend to but yourself in nature. If you experience fear and anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration, your inner eye is often awakened without the distraction of other voices or needs. Like hunger, you may only become aware of it if you stop eating by the clock and actually allow yourself to feel your rumbling tummy or your sluggish mind. Similarly, by being alone with little distraction, the slower world of nature is a setting that allows inward processing and awareness without closing your eyes in meditation. It is a moving meditation, just at a slower pace.
  • Self-reliance. I personally learn more about who I am and what I need when I’m alone and there’s no one to hand me what I’ve forgotten. This requires me to be methodical about planning, to be flexible and creative when things don’t work out quite the way I had hoped, and to learn from my mistakes. One time while camping alone in the summertime, the weather turned unusually chilly overnight. I ended up making a tent within a tent, trapping warm air around my body. Another time, I was grateful to have remembered to pack a set of Yaktrax in my day pack after encountering deeper than expected snowfall, preventing my trail hike from becoming a lengthy hour of postholing. If I was with someone else who brought full gear, I might have an easy way out. Instead, going alone teaches me to rely on myself and own my decisions and experiences.

  • Changing your pace. When I go out in nature alone, my pace is often different than if I were in a race or with a group of people. I take whatever time I want to truly enjoy the time. I might stop for longer breaks, spread out a picnic of foods, jump in a lake and sunbathe to dry off, or take it easy in order to make sure I can “go long” and not run into trouble. Because I am not beholden to anyone’s schedule but my own, I can let go of any pressure to hurry, with only the weather, the terrain, and the amount of daylight as the boundaries of what I am doing. As a therapist who has learned how to measure off a 50 minute interval in her head, it’s a refreshing change of pace in all respects.

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is Patience.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your Turn

If you are interested in exploring what being alone in nature could do for you, consider reading a few articles to help you prepare, and use available resources, such as local trail conditions and trip reports, which often include tips on what to bring regarding gear, food and water.

You can also join a Facebook group on climbing and hiking, and see if there is local group that is open to fielding questions from new hikers.

If you are concerned about safety as a solo hiker, runner, climber, etc., take the time to read safety recommendations on solo activities, and don’t be shy about asking what others do to take precautions.

Your Presence Is Requested

Your presence is requested. Photo from Pixabay free images.

 

Your presence is requested. 

Actually, your presence is needed.

As one person recently stated, there are many situations you may find yourself which fall in the category of, “Things you can’t half-ass.” * Here are  a few examples of things you can’t half-ass:

  • skiing down a steep slope
  • baking a meringue pie
  • operating and steering a ship
  • learning a new dance step or choreography
  • practicing a new language
  • initiating a difficult conversation with someone you love
  • maintaining a good friendship

Truly, you can try any of these activities without putting in much effort. But if you do that, you should also prepare for potential disaster or unexpected results. Can a young person drive for the first time and move the car down the street with no training or driver’s education? Yes, of course! But that person might not have the same outcome as someone who prepared, practiced, or applied full presence to the activity. 

Even the simplest act of breathing in and out during meditation bears a different quality over time when practiced with one’s full attention and presence. If your mind is wandering the Universe, does it not take you away from the moment that is happening, right here, and right now?

For this final blog post for 2018, I invite you to bring your presence — as much as it is possible for you — to whatever you put your hand, or your words or your eyes, or your senses.

If the moment calls for you to listen, then listen. Stop talking. When it’s your turn to talk, reflect what you’ve heard, check in, and ask if you heard everything correctly. Create space for listening. Let the other person know you are listening on purpose.

If the moment calls for you to learn a new skill, throw all your attention into learning. Open yourself up to new ways of seeing, communicating, and processing the new skill. Try the new skill out to see if you learned it.

If the moment calls for you talk to someone and the subject matter is a difficult one, bring your presence, check your defensiveness or aggression, ask for permission to speak candidly, and honor the courage  it takes in both parties to come together and talk.

Whatever the situation, resist the urge to half-ass it. And if you’re wondering if you can tell if you are about to half-ass something,  take a moment to consider if you’ve taken time to be curious, ask questions, to reasonably prepare yourself, or to pay attention. If you find yourself just wanting to “get it over with”, chances are, you are about to half-ass it. The results might not be so bad, and then congratulations, you got away with it, you saved yourself some time and stress, and there was no loss, right?

Or, you could be horribly wrong. What if most of your life feels like a series of moments where you are just getting by, just getting away with the bare minimum of your attention, and events feel lifeless? Or, what if you spend so much time trying to get everything “right” to the point that you cannot be present with what you are experiencing?

Your presence is requested.

Actually, your presence is needed. 

Let’s begin with NOW.  Who needs to wait until New Year’s Day?

__________

*  I use cheeky or strong language when needed, as words such as bad ass, dumb ass,  and smart ass have become part of accepted pop culture.  However, I did want to point out to readers and future readers of this blog that swearing happens, inside and outside of the virtual therapy session.